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The pain that you go through when you know you're gonna lose the person you love the most is indescribable.
You have to stay tough, you have to stay sharp, you have to stay alert each and everytime so that your loved ones don't suffer.
The nights and days don't feel any different. You lose the count of hours you sleep. The passage of time doesn't seem to affect you anymore cause all you care about is the one person who you know you are going to lose anyway.
And in the process, you forget who you are anymore. You stop thinking about yourselves, stop looking after yourselves, stop combing those hairs, stop choosing what to wear, stop wondering what to eat, stop talking to your friends and family and the list goes on and on. You literally stop everything else and focus on one thing only to give your loved one the best that you could.
And you take this process so seriously that you fail to do the one thing that your loved one needs the most at that time. Your love.
You delve yourselves too much in doing the best for them, you forget that they need you the most in their last times. You walk with them to the hospital, take them on a wheel chair, carry them across, change their clothes, you feed them, clean up their mess, time check their medicines, get them what they want to eat keeping in mind the precautions to take and all the other things that is necessary to keep them alive. But you don't have an answer when they ask you why are you not talking to them like you did before? Or why are you not sitting with them and being in the moment with them?
The affection that you know is inside of you somewhere but you cannot get it out cause if you do, you will freeze. It will break you then and there and you will be in tears in no time cause that's what you have been avoiding in order to save the person you love the most. It will stop you from doing what is necessary and that is something you cannot afford to do in such a situation. But it is something that is required too.
I still remember the day my father died. It was the last time he opened his eyes, saw me and cried. He reached out to me and I held his weakened and cold hand, kept it on my face and I cried with him. He couldn't speak because of the tube they had put in through his nose to his stomach to feed him but he wanted to speak, speak a lot. I couldn't do anything else at that moment so I told him that Paa, you're going to be okay, we are waiting for you outside, you are going to get through this one too and we will go back home together. Who knew it was something that will never happen again?
Now that your loved one is gone, you do miss them cause all of that affection that you knew was inside of you for them is still there and you do not have them beside you to share it with them. But that is what keeps us alive doesn't it? And it's the same thing that will keep them alive too, even after they are gone.
The love and affection that you share and spread throughout your lifetime to the people you love, to those in need of help, to the ones deprived, so that their pain gets converted to love is what living a life means. Cause going through pain is tough, but it gets easier with a little bit of love.
To all of you reading this post and to all of you going through any sort of pain in their lives, I send you love and hope that you get through this one too! ❤️
